What do you have?

It's been so long since I have taken the time to sit down to write on our blog. I have been telling myself for the last several months that I was going to tap out on the keyboard what God has been teaching me and I just haven't found the time to do it until now. Life is trucking along and life is good. But, I must say that writing is very therapeutic for me and I forget how much I value it. Even if I am only writing for myself here, it feels good to get what God has been doing in my heart down on paper screen. If you are reading this, I pray that it encourages you right where you are. 

I have mentioned many times that our hearts are still so for adoption and foster care. There is still such a huge need and we continue to recognize that need and long to do something about it. You see, I have had a really hard time over the last 6 months or so with the deep desire to want to adopt again or start the foster care process. Our hearts are there, our minds are there, our willingness is there, but God has made it clear that it is not to be in this season. This has been a big struggle for me!

Here I am with arms spread wide open saying "Use us God, we are here, we are willing, we have so much love to give to another child who needs a family," and yet that door remains closed for now. I have questioned why God would put these passions and stirrings inside of Evan and I and yet not provide the means to fulfill them. I've ached as I have looked at pictures of waiting orphans who need families and as I've seen the number of children in foster care right here in our community who need stable loving homes. It breaks my heart and it lights a mama bear fire in me! So, I shout out to God that I have a plan and I know He must want to follow my plan because it obviously lines up with His word to care for orphans and defend the fatherless. Ha! But, as I have learned so many times, my plans are not always His plans, even when they seem good and right.

For months I have questioned God and even at times have grown envious of those who are able to move forward in pursuit of adoption and foster care. They get to do something. They get to make a difference for these children. I sat wondering, why not us? Then one day, God spoke to my heart. I was at a home school practicum listening to a fellow home school Dad teach. He started each morning with a devotional that was meant to inspire, encourage and challenge us in our home school journey. While it was certainly applicable for that area of my life, God used it to speak to me directly regarding this particular struggle. The dad told the Bible story of Jesus feeding the 5,000. He told the part of how the disciples came to Jesus and were telling him that the crowd had been there all day and was hungry and that Jesus should send them away so they could eat (Sounded like a smart plan). But read what Jesus says in Matthew 14:13-21

Jesus replied, “They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.”

“We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they answered.

 “Bring them here to me,” he said. And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve baskets full of broken pieces that were left over. The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children.

Essentially, Jesus is saying here, "WHAT DO YOU HAVE? BRING IT TO ME AND WATCH WHAT I CAN DO WITH IT." Jesus did not send the people away because there was, in the disciples words, "ONLY five loaves of bread and two fish." He took what a young boy had and was willing to give (his small lunch) and he used it and multiplied it. Now, I have heard this story a million times, but that morning, in that home school practicum, it hit me like a ton of bricks right smack in the heart.

I have been frustrated, confused and saddened by the fact that God has not provided in the way that I wish that He would, in a way that I feel would honor Him while bringing a child into a family. I can't tell you the number of times that I have said, "We're willing God, but we ONLY have..." However, I realized that I was missing out on something. I was missing out on the chance to be obedient by bringing what I do have, even if it is small, even if in my mind it doesn't seem like enough and to trust God and watch Him use it. 

This was very humbling for me. I like to do big things and what we have to offer right now, well, it isn't very big. But, I knew right then and there that we were to be faithful even in the small things. God has placed a passion inside of us and He wants us to continue to use it, even in this season. He doesn't want us to waste our time asking "Why God" or saying, "This isn't what I had in mind," or feeling inadequate & frustrated with the season of life He has us in. He wants us to embrace where He has us and allow Him to work through us and in us, with what He has given us. He wants to take our seemingly insignificant "only" and be glorified through it, because HE IS ENOUGH!

So, our family is committing to saying "Here is what we have, Lord. Use it." How are we doing that? We are making it a point to be intentional in loving and supporting those who are able to adopt or foster. We are finding joy in being the village to those around us. For now, it's through something we're calling "Adoption & Foster Family Friday." The first Friday of every month, we decide as a family who we want to bless, whether it be a foster family, a family in the process of adopting, a child in the foster care system, or an organization who supports these children & families, etc. These are small acts, nothing big, nothing crazy expensive, but what we are able to give in this season. We come up with an idea of how we want to bless and we do it. We commit to praying for whomever we have chosen for the entire month. We do it as a family, making sure everyone plays a role and we make sure to talk with our children about the importance of giving what we have.

It's so fun to give and get creative with ways to bless others. While it might not make a huge impact (like feeding 5,000), we know that God can use what we are willing to bring to Him, even if just to let someone know they are loved, supported and prayed for. If anything, it is bringing joy to our hearts to be intentional about caring for others in this arena and doing what we can to continue to answer to this command of caring for the least of these. 

We do continue to pray that one day God will open the doors for us to be able to adopt again or to begin fostering. But, we are learning that even if He doesn't, we will choose to joyfully and sacrificially give what we have and know that nothing is too small for Him to use. We can all play a part in the great story of redemption that God is writing through adoption, orphan care and foster care. 

So, what do you have to bring, my friends?

I promise you that it's not too small, it's not insignificant.

 Let's all commit to bringing what we have wholeheartedly and let's watch God use our "only" in mighty ways. 

(Making a card to encourage and thank a foster family)

A Memorable Mother's Day

As you know, this past Sunday was Mother's Day. Every Mother's Day is special to me, but this one hit me hard. This was my first Mother's Day with Maverick in my arms, my first Mother's day with all 4 of my children presenting me with cards and gifts and shouting out in their munchkin voices "Happy Mother's Day!" A day to take time and reflect on the gift of motherhood. It's always adorable to see what they draw or say about me. Evan even made a video of the kids where he interviewed them about me. It was precious to watch and totally made me laugh. Kids say the darndest things, like that I remind them of Jesus only because I have long hair (Thank you, Dixie. I guess I better work on displaying more Christ like characteristics), that Maverick's favorite thing about me is hot dogs (We only eat hot dogs at birthday parties, and he loves birthday parties, so I'm guessing that is where his logic came in), that Savannah loves me because I make the "famous" meal of red beans, rice and sausage (I had no idea they were famous), and that Knox thinks I am beautiful and wants to go on an adventure with me (Way to go, Knox!). Seriously, they all said sweet things alongside the silly comments. It was a treasure of a video and I'm thankful for a husband who works hard to capture those memories for me.

Along with the gifts, stick figure cards and the sweet and funny sentiments that the kids shared about me on video, there was a moment on Sunday that cut me to the core and I wanted to share it with you. If you remember OUR VERY FIRST VIDEO that our friend, Matt, filmed for us in 2013, you might recognize the song in the background by the group, All Sons and Daughters called, "Called Me Higher." While we have had many songs apply to different parts of our adoption process and be "our song" for a given time frame, "Called Me Higher" is the one song that kind of encompasses our entire journey. Every time I hear it, I am brought back to the very beginning when we thought we were crazy but decided to step out in obedience with shaky hands and way too much paperwork and fundraising before us. It reminds me of the excitement and fear we felt, not truly realizing how long the journey to our son would actually be. It was a song that God laid on my heart to remind us to follow after him, even when it didn't make sense, to get out of our comfort zone and just obey. I have typed out the lyrics on this blog before, but I wanted to share them again.

I could just sit

I could just sit and wait for all your goodness

Hope to feel your presence

And I could just stay 

I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel you

Hope to feel something again

And I could hold on

I could hold on to who I am and never let You change me from the inside

And I could be safe

I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home

Never let these walls down

But you have called me higher

You have called me deeper

And I will go where You will lead me Lord

Where you lead me

Where you lead me Lord

And I will be Yours

I will be Yours for all my Life

So let your mercy light the path before me

I hear that song from time to time now, but not as often anymore. But every time I do, I am reminded of God's tremendous faithfulness. That song represented trusting Him to bring this adoption to fruition, to trust that he would bring our son into our family at the right time. At that time, we were pursuing an adoption in Ethiopia, not even realizing the winding road with mountains and valleys that lie ahead, but God did. I would blare that song in my living room and in my car. It was my anthem and my cry to God. We wanted to go where HE led us. But, there were times during our journey where that song was too hard to sing, where I didn't want to sing it, because I did not understand where He was leading us and it hurt.

Fast forward to Mother's Day and we are sitting at church. Maverick likes to be held during worship, but many times he likes to walk from person to person that he knows and tell them hello. He's very social! For some reason, on this day, he wanted to be held tight the entire time and lay his head on my shoulder. I always treasure these moments because it is not often that he is still. It is a sweet time to remember just how fragile and little he is. How really, he is just a baby and still needs his mama to comfort him, especially because he never really had that before. I soak up these moments.

We are 3 songs into worship and suddenly I realize that the worship team is singing "Called Me Higher." It's the first time that I have heard it at church since we have been home with Maverick. Not only that, but it is Mother's Day and I am holding MY SON for the first Mother's Day ever. He is wrapped up in his Mama's arms, safe, loved, cherished. A giant wave of emotion rolled over me. Here I was in my church home, where we prayed so many times over him, where our church family prayed over us and even hosted a fundraiser to help bring him home and he was cradled here in my arms while God once again reminded me of his sovereignty and promises through this song, I tried to sing out, but I lost it. The sobs came hard and strong. Maverick felt my body shake and pulled back to look at me with his sweet big almond eyes. He looked at me with such concern. He whispered "Why Mommy cry?" I reassured him that Mommy was OK, but I just stared at him and tried to drink the moment in as the praise rolled down my face through my tears.

Evan happened to be preaching that morning, so he wasn't standing by us at worship and he didn't see my breakdown during the song. He came up to me later and said "I don't know how you handled holding him while that song was playing, it hit me hard." To which I replied "I didn't. I was a mess." He experienced something similar to what I did that morning, the reminder that God is good and faithful and will always provide when we give our "yes." That our son is in a family, our family. That after all the blood, sweat and tears, he was HERE, in our arms. He was with his Mama and Daddy and brother and sisters. He was in the midst of his church family. I will never forget that moment.

Psalm 68:6

God sets the lonely in families

Once we were home, I remembered the picture that I took last year on Mother's Day with my 4 kids in my lap, except Maverick was just a picture in a frame. At the time, it felt like he would never actually be in my arms. I wanted to retake that picture this year. I don't even have the words to describe the feelings that well up in my soul when I look at these 2 pictures side by side. That song, this picture, they are some of my Ebenezer stones, things to look back on and remember how God carried us through. How He's always there and He has always been there. He's always working, even when we don't see it or feel it. It might look different than how we first imagined, but it is good y'all, so good!

1 Samuel 7:12

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying "Thus far the LORD has helped us."

6 months Home

We're home 6 months now. I feel like I just wrote that last blog post titled, "One month home." A couple of weeks ago, my husband asked me if I was still blogging. In other words, he doesn't read my blog...thanks hon! ;) I told him that I hadn't in a long time. He encouraged me to start again, as he knows more than anything it is therapeutic for me. He was right. The truth is, I haven't made the time to sit and write, because there isn't much spare time. For most of us, the time is usually never just available, we have to make the time, schedule the time, be intentional about the time.

Staying home with the 4 kids, my days all start to blend together between home school and housework. My mind is a never ending reel of little children's voices all day... many times sweet, but lets be honest, most of the time it's whining and fighting among the siblings. This is just the stage of life we are at right now with a 6, 5 and two 4 year olds in a tiny house and together 24/7. That's ok, This is the life I have chosen and I really couldn't envision it any other way. I am blessed beyond measure! As someone once told me, "The days are long, but the years are short." I'm realizing that more and more lately, especially thanks to Facebook's "On this Day" posts. Thanks FB, you make me have baby fever and cry and laugh on a daily basis. 

I am also realizing more and more, that while I love being with my babies and pouring into them each day, I also need time for myself. I can easily forget that in order to pour out, I need to be filled up. For me, that means I need time in the Word and prayer, time with friends for fun, time with those who encourage and challenge me, time to be alone, time to do things I enjoy like write and read while I sip hot chai at my favorite coffee shop. I'm thankful that my husband recognizes that as well, and sends me for some alone time when I feel life getting a bit overwhelming. I'm learning to recognize when I can feel myself about to go crazy and I try to plan accordingly to get out...hence why I am writing this blog post. I must say, man it feels good to sit here and tap thoughts out on a keyboard, without a little one tugging at my shirt. That is where I am after 6 months, trying to figure out balance for myself as wife, mom and just Angie. But, you didn't come here to read about me, let's get to Mav!

He is doing phenomenal! Y'all, I really can't believe how far he has come in 6 months. He has blossomed so very much. His language, his ability to listen and understand, his adjustment to our family and routine, his self control. He's a different kid y'all, with all of the wonderful characteristics of Maverick, like his totally silly personality, his determination that he is capable to conquer anything in front of him, his super snuggle skills, his compassion when someone else is crying, I could go on and on. He is a darling and a stinker all at once. I'm not even kidding either, he gets cuter by the day! Some days are still hard and I don't expect everything to be perfect after 6 months, but everything feels more normal now. It feels like he has always been here. 

He has his upcoming cleft palate surgery in about a month. It turns out that he did have palate surgery in China when he was about a year, but the back part of it re-opened and that is why his palate still did not look quite right. We met with a cleft specialist team and they are confident in moving forward with the surgery. As his mama, I am a nervous wreck. We will spend one night in the ICU and 2 additional nights in the hospital. His arms will have to be restrained, as to not do any damage after the surgery. It will be followed by several weeks of a soft diet. I would be nervous with any of my children having to go through this, but with a child who has experienced trauma before, I am even more so. I am however thankful that this time around, he has a Mama and Daddy to comfort him after surgery. He'll start speech therapy in the fall. We would greatly appreciate your prayers for him (and me) as surgery approaches.

We recently celebrated his 4th birthday and he was in heaven. He got to have 2 parties, 1 at home (a "Gwinosaur" one, as he says) and 1 in Texas (An Airplane one) with family there. He sang himself Happy Birthday everyday for 3 weeks. I think he truly felt special and very excited. He remembers the birthday that we sent him in China, fondly. He LOVED opening gifts and would ask "That's for me?" and when we would say "yes" he would respond with a "YAY!" It was such a joy to celebrate his first birthday as a family. I loved doting on him and knowing that though we missed his first 3 birthdays, God willing, we have so many more to look forward to. A super special part of his birthday was receiving a video and gift in the mail from his foster brother, Joshua. He was so thrilled to open that gift. Of course he wanted to get on an airplane and fly to see Joshua right away. He doesn't quite understand why that is not a possibility in the moment. We are so very grateful to have a connection with such an awesome family, who adopted Joshua. We are making the effort to keep the boys connected as much as possible and hope to one day get them together in person again, despite the long distance between us. Those boys share a bond that he will never share with anyone else. 

While his birthday week was a  joyous one, it was also a somber one for Evan and I. We often thought of his birth family and what they must be feeling. What they felt the day he entered the world and they stared into those big dark eyes, how they felt when they discovered that he had cleft palate and realized that they likely could not care for him, how they felt leaving him soon after, hoping that he would get the care they couldn't provide, through the orphanage. Can you even imagine? My heart broke all over again for his mother. I know she must think of him often, but especially this time of year. I pray for peace for her. As Evan and I layed in bed and prayed over Maverick on his birthday night before we drifted off to sleep, He prayed words that pierced my heart so deeply. Words, that honestly, I had never even thought about until then. We have always prayed for peace for his birth mom, that somehow she would know he was ok and if she had any guilt, that she would experience forgiveness. But, my mighty man prayed that God would send someone to share the gospel with her, wherever she is. That she would accept Christ as her Lord and Savior, as would Maverick and that one day, Maverick and her would be reunited in Heaven. I am crying all over again just thinking about it. I pray with all my heart that one day that reunification can happen. All things made whole and new through Jesus! We also think about his foster mom, who poured so much love into him when we couldn't. We plan on trying to send her an update on him soon. I'm thankful that we are able to do that through our agency.

Overall, things are really good. Life is moving along and I am so thankful that we took that leap of faith and brought Maverick into our family. Honestly, I do not see us returning to China any time soon, as that trip was so hard, so so hard! It's going to take me a while to recover from that one. But, I find myself staring at pictures and watching videos of children waiting for families. I stayed up last night for a while searching for an update on one of the little ones that had tugged at my heart so hard, but had needs too great for our family to handle financially at the time. My heart is forever changed because of what I know and what I have seen. Because I have seen a little boy go from orphan to son. The difference that love, care, good nutrition and family makes is substantial. Those who have walked alongside us, can attest to this as well. God won't let me forget that and I don't ever want to. I can't wait to see how he continues to work in our family for his glory.

For now, I am so excited about supporting my friends, The Lomans, who are hosting a precious 5 year old girl with Down's Syndrome from China, this summer. Fu Yi will be living with them for one month and will be receiving some medical care while she is here. The Lomans are working hard to advocate for her and find her forever family. They are also doing fundraising in order to gift her family with a grant towards her adoption. I would love for you to follow her journey and pray about if YOU are her family or maybe someone you know is her family. Advocating for orphans is a crucial part of orphan care. Your support could help turn this precious girl from orphan to daughter. Hop on over to the Lomans FB page and see how you can get involved in Fu Yi's story. 

One Month Home

Wow! I cannot believe it has been a month since we arrived home at the airport with Maverick in tow. The 2 weeks in China and the trip home were rough to say the least. All 3 of our worlds had been rocked and we were all in survival mode. Needless to say, we were so glad to be home finally and start our new normal with our entire family of 6. Our dear friend, Matt, made this awesome video that documents bringing Maverick home.

It felt soooo good to be home and I felt like I was able to breathe again, at least for a day or two until reality set in. Seeing our other 3 kiddos after 2 weeks was the absolute best. Maverick now had automatic playmates after being with 2 adults in a hotel room for 2 weeks. He was more than excited! He needed playmates, as he is so very active! He walked around the entire house and backyard and just discovered everything there was to discover. The first thing he was intrigued by was the Mustang Power Wheels car. Today, it is still his favorite, even though he can't steer to save his life and just runs into everything at full speed...much like his personality!

The sibling relationships were hard at first. There were great moments and there were some really tough moments as all 4 kids learned to get used to one another. Honestly, there still are, but I am seeing bonds formed over time. Our youngest struggled the most as I think she had a pre-conceived idea of what he would be like and he wasn't a little snuggly baby, but a wild 3 year old who took over her place as baby in the family and took her toys. I am thankful to say that slowly, she is warming up to him. The big 2 kids have been so gracious and patient and kind with Maverick and truly taken him under their wing. It's a beautiful thing to watch. As I am typing this, I am watching all 4 of them run around the backyard laughing together. God is good and I look forward to seeing how these 4 will grow together throughout their lives.

Now here is where I am going to be brutally honest for a minute, because I think it is healthy and necessary to speak the truth, for myself and for other adoptive families who might be feeling the same way. The 2 weeks in China and the first 3 weeks home with Maverick were HARD! I will say that things actually did start to improve once we were home, but it was and still is a slow process. We did expect this. We did not walk into this naive, however knowing these things and going through them are very different,

We know that Maverick was in survival mode in China and acting out because he just had his world rocked, but we are also seeing aspects of his personality that are a little tough. We are learning how to navigate through those. The first couple of weeks, it was very hard to even  be around him. There were sweet moments of course, but overall, it was rough. I loved him because I have loved him from the day that we started praying for him. But, it was very hard to like him most days and many days I just wanted to be away from him. He was difficult, rude, wild, hyper active, wouldn't sleep, combative, mischevious and manipulative. Honestly, he was simply displaying typical behaviors of a child coming from his situation, but I was having a really hard time dealing with them, especially on top of taking care of the other 3 children who were also adjusting. I couldn't get anything done and I felt useless, unproductive and mentally, emotionally and physically drained and dry.

I would end many days in tears, as would Maverick, and I felt like I was living moment by moment, just trying to make it to the next step. I was jealous of the other adoptive families who brought home sweet little quiet & compliant babies. I will say, that I have NEVER regretted adopting Maverick or doubted God's plan. In fact, I knew He was using it to refine me. I knew this was what God had for our family and I knew that Maverick was supposed to be my son, but that doesn't mean it was smooth sailing. It has been the most difficult thing I have ever been through thus far, aside from the waiting process, but this was full on action!

We weren't getting much sleep and the days dragged on as I watched the clock, waiting for Evan to walk in the door so that I could get a moment to take a few deep breaths, cry and pray in silence. I made sure to stay intentional with loving on him and establishing routines and being consistent (even though some days I just did not want to), as I knew this would pay off in time and y'all it REALLY has.

About a week ago, through sobs and desperation, I prayed out for God to change MY heart. You see, God has a way of revealing just how much sin we have in our hearts when he puts us through the fire. I saw ugly spilling out of me that I didn't even know was there and I did not like it. I knew that despite my circumstances, my JOY needed to come from HIM, Maverick needed a mama like that. I was not able to handle this, but God was! I prayed for him to give me HIS eyes and HIS heart specifically for Maverick. For me to look at him the same way that I do my other kids. For me to long to be with him and love him, not just go through the motions because I knew it needed to happen.

You guys, God hears! I literally felt a HUGE switch in my heart overnight. The next day, I woke up with so much love overflowing in my heart towards my son. I started seeing him as MINE, the way I do with my kids who I birthed and nurtured from the very beginning. I look at him with eyes filled with compassion and honestly, as my baby. I cannot explain the switch, except to say that God knew my heart and He answers prayers. Don't get me wrong, we still struggle and some days I still want to cry, but it is all filtered through the grace and love of the one who created this mama and Maverick. The love that I now have for this boy, I just CANNOT explain! Sometimes I hold him and stare into his eyes and stroke his little cheek and I am overwhelmed with the flood of emotions that I feel towards him. I am honored and so glad that God chose Evan and I to be his parents. We look forward to leading and loving him through life, hand in hand, nurturing his little heart and pointing him towards the Father. Seriously, thank you Lord!

Looking back to where we were a month ago, I cannot believe how much progress he has made. Sometimes that is hard to remember in the day to day, but wow, big improvements y'all! He blows me away every day. He is so smart and learning so much. He is adjusting well to routine and praise the Lord, we are starting to get some sleep. I can tell he is developing a love for all of us, and that is mutual. He is understanding more and expressing himself so much better and in a healthy manner without breaking down crying and screaming every 5 minutes. He is learning some English words and using them appropriately, even without prompting. The other day, he said "Thank you Mama" after I gave him his food...I cried! He is hilarious and has a fun personality. He loves to dance, so he fits in perfectly in this family! He initiates prayer at the dinner table and wants snuggles from mama all of the time. He loves to curl up in my lap and look up at me when I sing to him. When he is hurt, he comes to us for comfort. He is trusting us more and more every day. He is also pretty dang adorable! Those eyes still have me and I could kiss his sweet face all day! God has just poured his grace out on all of us. He is doing a mighty work in Maverick and in us. It has been amazing to witness. He truly is a God of miracles!

We cannot wait to see how God continues to work, to mend and to heal. We pray that it continues to be all for HIS GLORY! Like I said before, we could not do this in our own power. This scripture has been so true in our lives as of late:

2 Corinthians 2:9
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness, Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

 He is faithful and He is good! We are so grateful that he brought Maverick into our family.
 When I look at this picture taken by my sweet friend, Amber, everything within me cries out praise to God! FAMILY...all 6 of us!

Meeting Maverick

Oh, where to start? So much has happened since we arrived here in China. Internet is spotty and our little one is NON STOP action, so I have not had a chance to post before now. First, let me say that the outpouring of love and support from home have been such an encouragement to us! I love that so many of you are excited to see Maverick with us. He certainly is a loved little boy!

We traveled 29 hours to get to China and had no problems getting here. The 15 hour plane ride was not one I was particularly fond of, and honestly am seriously dreading doing again with a 3 year old who cannot sit still! But, we will survive and we want to come home, so it must be done! We arrived in China around lunch and were greeted by our guide. She filled us in on our itinerary for the week in Zhengzhou and got us settled into our hotel. Our hotel is very nice and we unpacked and hit up Pizza Hut for dinner :) We came back to the hotel and CRASHED at 7 p.m. Our goal was to stay awake till around 11, so I would say we rocked that..haha! We tried to get a good night's sleep as we knew it would be the last one for a while...and boy were we right! I woke up around 3 a.m. from jet lag and the anxiousness of meeting Maverick. I got out of bed and down on my knees next to his crib and just started praying. I fell back asleep for maybe 30 minutes and Evan and I were up around 6:30. We enjoyed a killer breakfast at  the hotel. It felt like we were in New Orleans as they were playing jazz music...score! We got some caffeine in our system and felt like new people.

At 10 a.m. we met our guide downstairs in the lobby. The entire hour before I was pacing the floor and my insides felt like they were going to burst! Evan and I prayed and thanked God for calling us to bring Maverick into our family and being faithful. We prayed that he would attach well to both of us and just feel a sense of peace. Every emotion was sweeping through my body. Nervousness, excitement, joy, sorrow. I felt it all. I knew that day was going to be hard and beautiful all at the same time...and it was! We arrived at the civil affairs office packed with families waiting to meet their children. The room was stuffy and filled with anxious parents who were staring down the hall to see if the next child being brought in was theirs. I couldn't watch, but Evan did.

On our way to meet our boy!

The Civil Affairs Office where we met Maverick

All the families waiting to meet their kiddos. 

After what seemed like an eternity, I hear Evan say, "I see him, he's coming!" My heart dropped out of my chest and I tried to get a peek around the chaos of children, parents and care takers. That's when I saw him, walking down the hall, holding the hand of a lady in a red sweatshirt. Those big brown eyes were coming towards me. He was so little and so cute and he was about to be in my arms. Oh my goodness! He had on a blue backpack and way too many winter clothes for it being like 80 degrees.

As he approached the room full of American strangers and I tried to walk towards him, he began pulling the woman's hand back and trying to run away back the way he came. This was a good thing, although it hurt my heart to see him scared, I was thankful that he would not just come to a room of strangers. This is HUGE for attachment purposes, Many kids will go to anyone because they have never attached to someone and they will do whatever IT takes to gain approval from someone to get what they want. I walked towards my crying and scared boy and got down on his level. I told him hello and then I scooped him up. He was crying hard! There was so much chaos going on, that I wanted to escape. I quickly brought him to a corner of the room where we could be without everyone around. I sat him on my lap and tried to comfort him. He just kept crying. We had brought a bag full of snacks and suckers and Evan handed him his juice cup and some puffs. Immediately, he stopped crying, but you could tell he was still reserved. We looked through his backpack and the family had sent back our family photo album that we had sent to him, Where our family pic was, they had kept it and replaced it with a photo of Maverick and Joshua (his foster brother). When he saw that picture, he lit up. Suddenly he started talking like crazy! We can tell he really loves Joshua and they share a very special bond.

Grieving hard. The sucker was not working! He loves them now though! 

From that point on, he played with us and smiled and laughed. We completed our paperwork there and took our official adoption picture. He smiled so big and I of course was a sweaty hot mess, but I will treasure this picture forever! Our guide told us that we had 24 hours, called a harmonious period, where we could decide if we wanted to adopt him or send him back. Ummmm...say what? That was not an option, regardless of what he was like. We had committed to loving this boy and welcoming him into our family long ago, and we were not going back on that. We told her, we don't need 24 hours, disruption is not an option! She told us, if we were sure, that we could have adoption day later that day rather than wait until Tuesday. We said "yes, let's do this." She laughed at us. Actually, she laughs at us a lot. I guess we Americans are crazy or something.

His adoption family picture at the civil affairs office. Look at that smile!

After we left the office, we went straight to Wal-Mart to get some snacks and a stroller and basics that we needed. Maverick wanted EVERY snack! Go figure! He sat in the cart and just pointed, but was very well behaved. After Wal-Mart we went to a really yummy noodle restaurant with our guide. Let me just say, the boy can EAT and he is very self sufficient! He chowed down. This is where I also had the pleasure of taking him to a squatty potty. Thank you America for Western toilets...eek! Not fun, but thankfully, he has had no accidents and lets us know when he needs to go. Also, we have him wearing pull ups instead of split pants with nothing on underneath (thank you China!).

Later than afternoon, we went to complete the adoption and Maverick officially became our son! PRAISE GOD! An orphan no longer, forever ours and we are forever his! On our way to the notary, he crashed in my arms in the van. The boy was exhausted! We finally were able to come back to our hotel room where we got some downtime. We tried to give him a bath and he screamed! I was able to do a quick wash down while I got totally soaking wet. We put him in footie pj's, which he hated at first, but by the end of the night he was zipping up and down and loving them.

Last night, we realized just how active this boy is. He runs around non stop, jumping off of things and climbing anything he can. He is very mischievous and he knows it. We have been hit and kicked and pinched when he doesn't get his way, but we have also been laughed at, kissed and hugged. He has so much fun with his Baba and if one of us leaves the room to go to the bathroom, he is calling for us until we come back "Mama, Baba!" He did not want to go to bed last night. We even turned off all of the lights and tried to get him to settle. He still ran and climbed everything. He tried to pull curtains down and push all the buttons on everything in the hotel. He would not settle and began crying hysterically! We were worn out! I mean WORN! We tried everything to comfort him and he fought us tooth and nail. We couldn't put him in his bed because he can climb over the crib rails. Finally Evan put him in the baby position and held him so close he couldn't move and paced the room with him. He FINALLY settled and Evan stuck him in bed with me. He curled up with me and knocked out. Thank you Lord!

A few hours later he woke up screaming and crying. We are in a king sized bed and he kicked and flipped and punched us over and over. We tried to settle him and he wouldn't have it. He would curl up next to me eventually and fall asleep. This happened about 5 times in the night. We were told that he wakes up a lot at night, but this was intense. He either has night terrors or was grieving so hard. It could be a combination of both, We got very little sleep, but we survived, Once again, we were not shocked by any of this. This is typical behavior of a child losing everything.

This morning was a new day and he woke up happy. He grabbed his snack and juice and ran to the window to open it. We had a wonderful breakfast and the boy chowed down! We walked the city today and even got a Starbucks (Thank you Lord!). He was very partial to mama's frozen green tea frappuccino. He got a chocolate biscotti and sat in his stroller as we walked and got some air. It's hard to keep him tame in the room, although he has played with everything we have brought: balloons, balls, felt board, cars, etc.  He wants to go go go! He is uninterested in T.V or anything that involves sitting still.

Learning how to make balloon animals with Baba.

Mama gets lots of kisses

We went to take his passport picture today, which we will get on Friday. Tomorrow we are actually going to the orphanage and we hear we will get to meet the foster family. We are so excited and nervous about this. It could potentially set him back, but we know that we cannot miss an opportunity to learn more about his past. Please pray specifically for him tomorrow.  We are enjoying our time with him and he is bonding with us very well! We are so thankful for God answering our prayers in this way. 

China Itinerary

We leave tomorrow, well almost today!!!! We JUST finished packing and realized that one of our suitcases is busted...haha! We are on it! Thankfully, we do not fly out until the evening so we will have the morning to get some last minute stuff done, like buying new luggage (Good grief!)

Many of you have asked me what we will be doing in China for 2 weeks, so I thought that I would give a quick overview of what our time will look like.

Friday: Fly to China (with a layover in L.A.)

Sunday: (China time, which is actually your Saturday because we will be 13 hours ahead of the U.S.). We will arrive in Maverick's provincial City around lunch. We will meet our guide, go over our schedule for the week, maybe hit up Wal-mart for necessities and settle into our hotel. While we will likely want to sleep, we are going to try our very best to stay awake as long as possible to help with jet lag and get on China time.

Monday (your Sunday night): Family Day/Gotcha Day. We will meet Maverick at the Civil Affairs Office. This will be a very difficult day for him so extra prayers are appreciated. From this point on, he will be with us at all times. YAY!

Tuesday: Adoption Day at the Civil Affairs Office

Wednesday: Shopping & Sightseeing in Provincial City

Thursday: Visit the Orphanage where Maverick was for the first part of his life. This will be tough as well, but also good to see a part of his past.

Friday: Get Maverick's passport and fly to Guanzghou (where the U.S. consulate is). We will spend the 2nd week here and thankfully we will be staying at a hotel with other families from our agency who are completing their adoptions as well. Looking forward to meeting them all in person and seeing them with their kiddos. Hoping this will give Maverick some little friends to relate to as well.

Saturday: Maverick has to go through a consulate Medical Exam :(

Sunday-Tuesday: Likely do sightseeing & shopping & bonding time in hotel

Wednesday: Consulate Appointment & Evan's Birthday!

Thursday-Friday: More sightseeing/bonding in the hotel

Saturday: Fly out at 1:40 a.m. (YIKES!) and start the long trip back home!

Saturday in the U.S.: Arrive back home! YAY!

It's almost go time folks and we are so  excited! I wonder if I will get any sleep tonight...probably not!

A New Season: Attachment (FRIENDS AND FAMILY PLEASE READ!)

I cannot believe that we are leaving for China THIS week! 5 days and we will be on a plane heading towards our boy. I can hardly contain my excitement or my nerves. Everything we have dreamed of and prayed for the past 3 years is about to happen. It really feels surreal...maybe that is why my bags are still not packed (working on that).

I wanted to take some time to explain to you all what this next season will look like for us. We have such a supportive community of family, friends and even people we have never met. We know and trust that everyone will continue to be supportive and understanding once we are home with Maverick.

Over the last 2 1/2 years, Evan and I have gone through much training, read books & articles, asked questions, and corresponded with been there done that parents about bringing home an adopted child. We don't claim to be experts on any of this, because we have never experienced it first hand, but we are trusting in what we have learned from the experts, our agency and other families.

While we are all rejoicing over Maverick coming home, he will not be feeling the same way. As I have said before, he is about to be ripped from everything he has ever known...good or bad, it is what he knows. He has not been praying for us or wishing we would come take him to America or into our family. This is going to rock his little world! He will be confused and scared. It's going to take time for him to trust Evan and myself. We are, of course, praying for God to move in a supernatural way to form that bond fast with us, but we also know it is going to take work.

Part of building this trust is going through an attachment period called cocooning. Essentially this means that we will be keeping Maverick's world very small for a while when we get home. In order for him to learn that we are his forever family, Evan and I are his parents, we are never going to leave him, will tend to his needs and be his constant, we must establish some boundaries for a while.

What do these boundaries look like? For us, we have decided that means that we will not be leaving the house for a while and not having visitors for a time period. How long? We are not sure as that will be based on how Maverick is adjusting. That is so hard for me to type because I am such a social person and I thrive on being around my family and friends. However, we do not want to have people in and out during a very crucial time when Maverick is trying to figure out this whole family/mommy/daddy dynamic. This time period is focused on him and our family.

Evan and I will be the only ones to meet Maverick's needs. If he has a need, we will meet it immediately. In many ways, it is like having a newborn. Baby has a need, mommy and daddy meet it, baby begins to trust mom and dad. The cycle continues as trust and bonding are built over time. We did not get that time with Maverick as a baby. We have 3 years to make up for in the trust and bonding arena. This will take time and we are dedicated to sacrificing whatever we have to in order for our son and us to form these healthy bonds.

I heard it said before to think of healthy attachment as a circle that expands out. Initially, it will be the smallest circle, just our immediate family (the 6 of us). Then, once we feel like he is attached well and thriving, we will introduce the next circle in his life which would be our extended family who we are close with, a little at a time, from there the next circle would be close friends and so on. There is no telling how long it will take to achieve a healthy balance in each circle, and we are not putting a time constraint on any of them. We will follow Maverick's lead and ultimately do what is best for our family.

I realize that this will be hard, on us and on some of you. You have walked this road with us so intentionally and prayerfully. You have shared in our joys and in our struggles. You have supported us financially and through encouragement. It really has taken a village and you are our village. We are thankful for you! So, I get that you will want to be a part of his life and ours once he is home, and let me say that we want you to, it's just going to take some time. Please be patient with us! Please know that we are not trying to be rude when we have to turn down a visit or a phone call for a while. We still love you and we want you in our lives, but this is a season that we MUST be faithful to for the sake of our boy. This adoption journey does not end when Maverick is in our arms, or when that plane lands back in Louisiana. In fact, it will just be the beginning and will hold a whole new set of challenges and joys.

We are so thankful to those of you who have already planned on ways to help support us once we are home. We are excited to see so many faces of those we love welcome us and Maverick home at the airport. We can't wait to hug your neck at the end of a long trip. If you want to come to the airport and are not on our airport homecoming page, send me a message and I can add you.

We are also so thankful to all of you who have signed up to bring us a meal. I cannot tell you what a blessing this is to us and what a burden it lifts to not have to worry about cooking dinner while we fight jet lag and get adjusted. A million times THANK YOU!  If you are bringing us a meal, please be mindful to not pick up or love on Maverick. Once again, all affection needs to come from us for now. If you want to give him a gift, please give it to us and we will give it to him. Many adopted children have not learned to properly attach and therefore will go to anyone to gain favor, while others will be terrified of strangers. We don't know how he will react and that is why we take precautions and set boundaries. I know some of this may sound silly, but it is vital to attachment. Also, know that as much as we want to visit with you, long visits will have to come later on. Trust me when I say we will let you know when that time comes. While my husband is an introvert, I am an extrovert and I will need my tribe back around me as soon as possible!

We covet your prayers and encouragement as we get ready to enter into this new season of finally bringing Maverick Home! Thank you for taking the time to read this and for understanding. We love you all!